arriving at myself: who am i?

as i consider all that has been said concerning conscious actions versus subconscious desires, i wonder if i'm in a good place to be writing or speaking about this. on the other hand, perhaps a state of wonderment is the best place of all to think out of. nevertheless, the idea of exploring the 'self-concept' holds an aura of mystery and allure. maybe that's why i'm a christian spirituality major. embracing the unknown and following what seem to be trails of smoke unearth a wildly emotive and desperately expressive side of me.

in the past, i've had numerous fireside-esque conversations with many dear friends about 'what lies beneath'. i've always considered the notion that there are shifting forces of desire and instinct within me, engaged in a slow churning rotation. there have been many times where the things i do have seemed to be merely reactive - a product of the inner struggle. however that seems too base and humanistic. as a man who is imago dei, i believe that there are patterns inside me that run far deeper than freud's id.

i believe that there are trends of thought and instinct that can be traced to places deep inside of josh gordon. i tend to track the patterns and trends along their lines into myself, where they seem to originate. but as i follow them, they dissolve within me. they track through places so shadowed and obscure they are impossible to observe.

i'm sure we've all seen shadows of trees or lampposts or street signs stretching far down the road, seeming to flee from the setting sun. if we change our perspective thought, the shadows of the trees or lampposts or street signs could almost stretch into the darkness in order to compel us towards the light. shadows point to a setting sun. perhaps the deep seated and ingrained desires within me do not originate from me and spread outward. Perhaps they originate from Someplace outside and radiate inward, finding their mark.

perhaps in my quest to arrive at myself, i should start my journey from outside, from the only Point of Reference that never changes or adjusts. perhaps from that external beginning i can begin to understand most clearly and grasp most strongly the bed in which i am truly rooted and from which i grow.

"i am a person who struggles mightily... i struggle to grow into the dream God is stirring within me. i struggle to become myself."